Progress 2

The Adonis Complex

How would you finish these sentences?

Sometimes, looking over my life, I can hardly believe that I waited so long to get into a university.
It's not easy for to admit that I'm a transsexual.
One of my emotions I have trouble accepting is anger.
One of my actions I have trouble accepting is pent up anger.
One of the things about my body I have trouble accepting is my double chin.
If I were more accepting of my body I wouldn't be so fat.
If I were more accepting of things I have done I wouldn't be guilty.
If I were more accepting of my feelings I wouldn't hate myself.
If I were more honest about my wants and needs I wouldn't spend so much money.
The scary thing about being self-accepting is sadness
The good thing about being self-accepting might be being truthful to myself and others.
I am becoming aware That I still have bad feelings about my father.
I am beginning to feel weak
As I learn to stop denying my experience I can accept my futre.
One of the things I dislike about myself is my weight
One of the things I like about myself is my creatity and sensitivity.
I like myself least when I am mean.
I like myself most when I am happy
Mom gave me a view of myself as strong willed
Dad gave me a view of myself as nothing
When I feel disliked I hide.
When I'm proud of something nobody else cares about or understands show emotion anyway.
If I were to admit how much I secretly like myself ,I wouldnt like so good.
The good thing about pretending to dislike myself is nothing.
The scary thing about admitting that, faults or no faults, I like myself is good.
If any of what I'm writing (saying, thinking) is true yes
If I were to breathe deeply and allow myself to experience the joy of being --
I feel I have most integrity when I get attention.
Sometimes I diminish my integrity when I
When I fail my standards I tell myself somethings wrong
It would be easier for me to live up to my standards if I was a man.
If I were to look fully at what I did or failed to do , I was a stupid child, making mistakes.
When I did what I did, I told myself it'll work out
One of the things I might learn from the experience is life goes on. It's never too late to change.
If I were willing to see what I see right now I would have graduated by now
One of the ways to avoid this mistake in the future is to look into the past.
One of the things I had to do as a child to survive was eat and draw
One of the ways I treat my child-self as my mother did is feed myself
One of the ways I treat my child-self as my father did is do nothing

One of the ways that child sometimes gets me into trouble is jealousy and fear

From answering these questions I know the link to my obesity is my anger towards my father. I remember as a child that my dad didn't want me to be fat. I believe unconsiously I use food for that pent up anger. It makes a lot of sense because I didn't start gaining weight until my parents marriage was going downhill. If I could somehow trully forgive my dad for cheating on my mom I wouldn't use food in such a bad way. I have a lot of pent up resentment of my father, and I still find it hard to forgive. Espec becuz he keeps doing stuff over and over again. Now I must ask myself Why Am I Mad at my father still after all these years. To be more like my mother I became fat cuz my dad was skinny.

1. Cheating . Which really had zero to do with me except I seen my mom go through pain and crying over him when she found out. I had to see my mother cry I seen she had a black eye. She says to didn't happen I remember that it did and it's my fault, I told.

2.Sometimes he wouldn't pick us up when he said he was. This is big reason I felt like maybe he didn't care about me each time he wouldn't show up.

3. The beatings he would give when I wouldn't fess up about my mother. I still have major issues with that. Why did he make me pick sides? I have to admit that I love my father. We were closer than my mother for a while I wanted to be like him. I liked when he shaved. I used to sneak in the closet and play with his watches and jewelry. His clothes smelled good.

4. For doing drugs- make me feel guilty for that.

It's also the Transsexual thing too. Men supposed to be manly and bulky. Plus my fat hides my chest. since I don't like the body I have I don't care. If I was a man I would care more to impress girls or whatever. This is one Of my thinking process that should be eliminated. The postives of losing weight:

1. the bitches... oh .. the bitches! Women don't like fat- azz men

2.My health- I have SC I don't need a stroke or a heart attack.

3.I will have better self -esteem

4. My clothes would fit better. No more big and tall dept.

5. My breast would get smaller!!!

6. Better for my future SRS.

7. To show Shelly what she missed out on.

8. The 10 year reunion at Thornton

9. Fat people gain more estrogen -I don't need anymore of that!

-these are plenty of reasons and good ones to lose weight

Shelly ,You Will be avenged!!